How Successful Leaders Manage Their Emotions

Do you let your emotions drive your responses? Perhaps it’s time to change your approach, to think differently, to act rationally and to improve your chances of achieving successful/effective results.

Half our mistakes in life arise from feeling when we ought to think and thinking when we ought to feel. Deepak Chopra

It’s one of the most important lessons developing leaders must learn:

What happens when we allow a person’s beliefs, attitudes or behaviors to produce negative feelings that cause us to do or say things that aren’t in our best interests? Why and how do we deal with it?

• How do we remain cool, calm and collected under these circumstances?
• How do we choose a rational response rather than an emotional one?
• How do we decide to react in a way that prevents a bad situation from becoming worse and that gives us a chance to make it better?
• How do we produce a successful/effective outcome?

Believe it or not, the answers to these questions add up to a huge dollar value over the course of your career. More importantly, they can have a significant, positive (or negative) impact on your leadership career development. If you find that your career has come to a halt because you haven’t yet learned how to handle such situations, the time is now.

Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances. Thomas Jefferson

Who Has the Problem?

Here are three examples that outline situations in which the beliefs, attitudes or behaviors of an individual or group created negative feelings for others.

A Family Example

A young family is at the ballpark on a sunny afternoon settling in to enjoy the home team’s rise in the standing when a group of young rowdies, well into their round of beverages, sit a few rows behind them and begin using loud and profane language. How would you feel in this situation? Do you think “taking them on” might make the situation better or worse? Obvious answer, right? So how do you remain cool, calm and collected?

A Business Example

A newly appointed manager chairs a department meeting when a disgruntled senior participant argues with the rationale of everything presented and frequently carries on loud conversations with the people nearby. If you were the new manager, how would you feel? Do thoughts on the Second Amendment rights (to keep and bear arms) and capital punishment spring to mind? Would an emotional response make the situation better or worse? Do you think you might take this individual’s behavior personally?

A Professional Example

Lastly, let’s look at an example of a professional situation explained by one of the most seasoned and accomplished astronauts in the world, Commander (International Space Station) Col. Chris Hadfield in his book An Astronaut’s Guide To Life On Earth (a great read for aspiring leaders in any field). Here is his description of a particularly abrasive astronaut with whom he was forced to work closely on several shuttle flights.

Col. Chris Hadfield says, “He was highly skilled technically, but also arrogant and confrontational, the kind of person who regularly swore at me, berated me and told me in no uncertain terms that I was a bumbling fool. I started to dread interacting with him and when he dressed me down in front of Mission Control, I wanted to lash back, make my case in a legal manner, enlist supporters and try to convince them that I had done nothing wrong – everything about him just rubbed me the wrong way, professionally and personally.”

If you were Col. Hadfield, how would you feel?

Your Answers

If your answers to the question “who has the problem?”  in the three examples above are: the young family, the new manager and Col. Chris Hadfield, you may just be the type of person who tends to take things personally. If you are, then yes, you do have a problem. It’s time to change your thought process.

Why do you take things personally and lose self-control?

When you feel angry, frustrated, embarrassed, defensive or just plain upset because of the effects you are allowing another person to have on you, it’s extremely difficult to respond intelligently and calmly. Yes, you are allowing this to happen, and when you do, the natural tendency is to respond from your gut and dismiss all possible consequences. Unfortunately, the consequences tend not to be in your best interests and usually make a bad situation worse – not better.

Who’s the Culprit?

The tyranny of the shoulds.

A should is an expectation that is unfulfilled by yourself or others. When someone doesn’t live up to your expectations and you cannot control or change that person, resentment and anger develop. Why? Because the beliefs, attitudes, or behaviors that fail to meet your expectations do not belong to you. They belong to someone else. That other person is the only one who can change them. And if these beliefs, attitudes and behaviors pose a problem, it is the other person’s problem – not yours. Your challenge (yes, it’s a challenge not a problem because it’s only a problem if you can’t do it) is to remain cool, calm and collected. Choose a response that accomplishes your goal within the situation and do it in a way that makes the situation better, not worse.

You must accept responsibility for your own beliefs, attitudes and behaviors but not those of others. When you do, you allow your expectations to get in the way of your self-control. Yes, your expectations, the tyranny of the shoulds, are the culprit. When you apply your expectations to others, you begin to take their beliefs, attitudes and behaviors personally.

In a very real sense we have two minds, one that thinks and one that feels. Daniel Goleman Click To Tweet

How You Think Determines How You Feel…So Change Your Thinking

In part, emotional intelligence is about being able to control your emotions and to keep disruptive impulses in check – particularly in difficult, intense and demanding situations. As Aristotle said, “Anyone can become angry – that is easy. But to be able to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – this is not easy.

Well, it’s about to get easier.

The highest result of education is tolerance. Helen Keller Click To Tweet

In order to change the way you react to the beliefs, attitudes or behaviors of others in challenging situations, you must both understand and become more tolerant. Tolerance is the ability or capacity to recognize the rights, opinions and practices of others. Whether you agree with those rights, opinions or practices is irrelevant. The key to developing that ability or capacity is acceptance.

Does acceptance mean that you agree with another’s beliefs, attitudes or behaviors? Not necessarily. Does it mean that you disagree? Not necessarily. Then what does it mean? It means you accept that the beliefs, attitudes and behaviors (those that you allow to create anger, resentment, embarrassment or frustration) belong to the other person, not to you. It is you who chooses to take responsibility for them because they don’t meet your expectations. And as a result, you’ve made the other person’s problem your problem. You can’t change others so why take responsibility for their problems? Why take others’ problems personally? There is one very important caveat. Tolerance does not and should never apply to anything criminal, harmful or morally reprehensible.

You act according to how you think and feel about certain situations. So then, to change the way you feel in these situations, you need to change your thinking.

How Your Thinking Must Change

Let’s go back to the three examples cited earlier followed by the question “who has the problem?” In each case, the key participant(s) decided that the offending belief, attitude or behavior that contributed to a negative situation was not their problem. The challenge they faced was to make sure the problem that belonged to others did not interfere with their ability to respond to the situation successfully and effectively in a way that accomplished their goals and made the situation better, not worse.

Back to the Family Example

In the young family situation, their challenge was to deal with the offending behavior in a way that let them enjoy their family outing. They decided that the obnoxious behavior behind them was not their problem and that an emotional response would only make matters worse. The family’s priority was to enjoy the ballgame – not to enter into a discussion of fan decorum with the rowdies. In other words, the family chose not to take the behavior of these people personally. Instead, they requested that an attendant in the stands move their seats away from the problem. The home team went up in the standings and the hot dogs were delicious!

Back to the Business Example

What about the challenge for the newly appointed manager? How must he deal with the antagonistic, inappropriate behavior in a way that allows for a successful meeting? How can the offending behavior be addressed rationally rather than emotionally? This is a difficult situation for any department manager but particularly difficult for a new manager. He’s forced to deal with a person in a position of seniority whose aggressive and argumentative approach indicated a problem that could not be resolved in the middle of a meeting. The new manager decided that his priority was to run a successful first meeting and to show respect for the contribution of all participants. He also decided that this individual’s behavior was more of an embarrassment than a problem and chose not to take it personally but rather handle the individual privately after the meeting. In this particular example, an old adage comes to mind: “Praise in public and criticize in private.”

Back to the Professional Example

So what was the challenge for Col. Chris Hadfield? He needed to figure out how to deal with the situation in a way that allowed a very difficult and challenging close working relationship to continue to function successfully and effectively. Col. Hadfield summed it up this way: “The trick to working well with him was to understand that the problems were his, not mine, and they all seemed to stem from his insecurity…Figuring that out helped me stop reacting emotionally to his abuse and start trying to figure out how to make the best of the situation. I quickly realized that I shouldn’t take the guy’s behavior personally.”

What Can We Say About All Three Examples?

Chris could have torn a strip off his fellow astronaut in public. It might have felt better but it only would have made the situation worse. He chose not to do so for the same reason that the young family at the ballpark and the new manager in the department meeting decided not to respond emotionally in their situations. They were able to remain cool, calm and collected because they understood the key to not taking it personally.

What Can We Say About the Participants?

In each scenario, the key participants had self-control, which can be attributed to their ability to recognize the rights, opinions and practices of others – whether agreeable with their own or not!

The participants learned to accept that the beliefs, attitudes and behaviors of others (especially those that you allow to create anger, resentment, embarrassment or frustration) belong to them, not you.

The participants understood that when you begin to take responsibility for others because they don’t meet your expectations, you’re making other people’s problems your problem. You can’t change people so why take responsibility for their problems?

The participants focused on their own challenges. They maintained their composure and chose to do or say what gave them the best chance of accomplishing their goals in the situation. They learned how not to take things personally.

Learning How Not to Take Things Personally Isn’t Easy

Sometimes you’re forced to deal with angry, resentful, frustrated feelings when you apply the tyranny of the shoulds, when the other person doesn’t meet your expectations, and when you find yourself moving towards doing or saying something that is not in your best interests. If fight or flight are your only default responses in these situations, it’s time to make an adjustment. Add a third default response: “go with the flow”.

As powerful as this can be, it’s difficult to handle your emotions in such a way  that you’re comfortable “going with the flow” in the moment and responding rationally rather than emotionally.

The Power of Sublimation

In psychological terms, the word sublimate means “to change the natural expression of an impulse or desire into one considered more socially or personally acceptable”. So, upon returning home after a hard day at the office carrying a bucket full of frustrated, angry, aggressive feelings, instead of taking them out on others, many of us sublimate those feelings physically by going for a long jog, hitting a tennis ball or working out.

After physically expending your negative feelings, you can transition to a calmer, more rational state that allows you to be with others more successfully and effectively. But when you’re in the moment and you have no choice but to deal with a particularly difficult person whose beliefs, attitudes and behaviors you find almost impossible to tolerate, unfortunately you can’t say, “We can continue this discussion shortly. First, I have to sublimate my angry feelings physically by going for a quick jog. I’ll be right back.”

There’s Another Way…I Call it Mental Sublimation.

Here is how to practice Mental Sublimation:

1. Be aware of the negative emotions and impulses that arise when you’re dealing with the beliefs, attitudes and behaviors of others that don’t meet your expectations. Timing is important. The sooner you become aware of those emotions and impulses, the easier they are to control. Think about being “in control” and using your “go with the flow” default position.
2. Take a deep breath (or maybe several). This makes you mindful and aware. Deep breathing lowers your blood pressure, increases oxygen to your brain, relaxes the tension in your body and prepares you to respond rationally rather than emotionally. This pause allows you to think before you act in a way you might regret later.
3. Stop the tyranny of the shoulds. Do not apply your values to others. Let go of the expectation that others should live according to your standards. If negative feelings begin to develop, passively trying to suppress them won’t help. An emotional reaction is sure to follow if you don’t stop feeling and move toward thinking. Mental Sublimation is a proactive process designed to stop the emotional pressure from building.
4. Detach yourself emotionally by accepting that the beliefs, attitudes and behaviors of others belong to them. If you allow these beliefs, attitudes and behaviors to cause negative feelings in you because they don’t meet your expectations, you must accept that they belong to the other person. If they’re problematic, this is their problem. Don’t make it yours. There’s an old Polish proverb that might remind you, “Nie moj cyrk, nie moje malpy”, literally “Not my circus, not my monkey”. Make up your own reminder: “not my farm, not my pig” or “not my dog, not my fleas”. Again, there is one very important caveat. Tolerance does not and should never apply to anything criminal, harmful or morally reprehensible.
5. You may not have to take responsibility for the beliefs, attitudes or behaviors that belong to another, but your leadership challenge frequently involves taking responsibility for the effects they have on the workplace. Your challenge is to maintain your self-control, to remain cool, calm and collected, to choose a rational response rather than an emotional one, and to respond in a way that prevents a bad situation from becoming worse. If you’re able to do that, you won’t be part of the problem. In fact, you’ll be a big part of the solution. It’s your choice.
6. Congratulations! Smile. You are joining the ranks of other successful leaders in all professions (from business to education, from medicine to law enforcement, from politics to the military) who know how to be both successful and effective in difficult, intense, demanding and often emotionally charged situations. Now you’re in control: of yourself, your emotions and impulses, successful results, effective relationships and your leadership future.
7. Believe it or not, mentally, you’ve just conquered one of the biggest obstacles to achieving Results with Relationship. You’ve learned how to avoid “half our mistakes in life that arise from feeling when we ought to think”.

Mental Sublimation is a proactive process designed to stop the emotional pressure from building. Click To Tweet

Your Biggest Challenge: Thinking Differently So You Can Act Differently

When someone’s beliefs, attitudes and behaviors closely mirror your own, it’s easy to avoid the tyranny of the shoulds phenomenon and to disallow expectations to create negative feelings in you. But it’s a whole other matter when others’ beliefs, attitudes and behaviors don’t mirror your own. That’s when you take things personally, when your emotions control your behavior, when you do or say things that are not in your best interests, and when you tend to make things worse instead of better.

If you’re the type of person who suffers from taking things personally, you’re not alone! Use the steps outlined in Mental Sublimation to help you train yourself to think differently…so you can act differently.

Remember:

• Knowledge is power, but only if you use it.
• The beliefs, attitudes and behaviors of others do not belong to you. They are neither your responsibility nor your problem. Don’t make them something that they’re not.
• Detach yourself with Mental Sublimation and remind yourself when “it’s not my problem”. (“Not my circus, not my monkey”.)  Remember, there is one very important caveat. Tolerance does not and should never apply to anything criminal, harmful or morally reprehensible.
• Give yourself permission to use your “go with the flow” default position in order to make a rational rather than an emotional choice. Choose a course of action that is in your best interests to achieve a successful/effective outcome – one that makes the situation better instead of worse…one that you won’t regret later.
• You act according to how you think and feel in situations. To act differently, you must first think and feel differently.

If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get far. Daniel Goleman

If what you’ve been doing so far hasn’t worked well for you, is it not time for you to change your thinking and your game?

If any of these thoughts strikes a chord with you, share this blog with all those you support in their efforts to improve their leadership results and relationships. But if you don’t, I won’t take it personally.

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Dr. Don MacRae is the author and passionate leader of Situational Communication^® and the CEO of Lachlan Enterprises Incorporated (The Lachlan Group).

Do you know the primary reason leaders and potential leaders fail today? It’s not because of what they do but rather how they do it – in other words, their people skills. Find out “How To” improve both your success and communication effectiveness by taking advantage of the FREE version of the Situational Communication^® website/webinar.