The Dilemma: Speak Up Or Shut Up? The Answer!

Speak up or shut up? Choosing the best answer in challenging business, family and social interactions gives you a powerful advantage to achieve successful results and develop effective relationships.

Communication – the human connection – is the key to personal and career success. Paul J. Meyer Click To Tweet

3 powerful questions can change your life…

Every day you face a variety of challenging situations where you have a choice either to speak up or shut up. Frequently, they involve business, family or social interactions in which real or imagined beliefs, attitudes, behaviors, points of view, interests or preferred solutions are different, in conflict or just plain incompatible. The choice you make can have a powerful impact – positive or negative – on both your results and relationships.

We all have our hot buttons…

You cannot control the behavior of the people who push those hot buttons of yours, but you can control your response. The choice you make in these interactions can have a significant and immediate effect on your results and relationships, as well as your long term success and effectiveness as a business leader, family member or friend. What you do or don’t do either will be in your best interests or it won’t.

You can’t stop the waves; but you can learn to surf. Jon Kabat-Zinn Click To Tweet

Say it or save it?

The issue we’re discussing here isn’t about what you say in these challenging situations. You’ll figure out what to say: how, when, where and why you say it on my Situational Communication^® website. It also isn’t about how to manage your emotions through Mental Sublimation by not taking things personally. You’ll find this concept on my website as well.

No, this is about how you make the best decision whether to speak up or shut up – the decision that is in your best interest. But bear in mind, once something is said it can’t be unsaid. The wrong choice could prove costly.

What would you do in these 3 examples?

Here is a work, family and social situation in which the participants are faced with incompatible views that produce tension in the interaction.

What would you do? What would be in your best interest? Would you decide to speak up or shut up?

1. You and a colleague are having a discussion about a work related situation. Your colleague begins to express their point of view, which runs counter to yours and you know exactly how to prove it to be incorrect. You are both feeling the tension and it’s time to decide whether to speak up or shut up.

2. You are with a close family member at a sporting event. As the game progresses, your relative shares their strong opinion on another close family member and indicates that they simply can’t understand how anyone could see it differently. You indicate that you have a different view but you respect the fact that they might have an interpretation that runs counter to yours. Your close relative continues to press their views more aggressively and you can feel the tension building. You need to decide whether to speak up or shut up.
3. You’re playing golf with a group that meets regularly. One of the golfers you’re frequently partnered with has a habit of complaining excessively about the slow play of others, talking negatively about the rest of the players in the group, and constantly forgetting to count a stroke or two on the difficult holes. In the past, you’ve always offered a positive comment in relation to their criticism or negative comments towards others and you’ve been gentle in the way you point out “a possible forgetfulness of the out-of-bounds penalty strokes on the last hole”. Today, you’re feeling the tension more than ever and your partner’s negative behavior seems more difficult to tolerate. Do you decide to speak up or shut up?

Which is the best answer and why?

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. Wayne Dyer Click To Tweet

What was your answer in each of the 3 situations? Did you choose to speak up or shut up? How did you decide?

I’m sure that if you asked 10 theorists what they recommend, you would get 10 different answers. Each one of them would have an excellent rationale for why their answer is not only appropriate and effective, but also how it is in your best interest. And in certain situations, I’m sure they would all be correct. After all, if you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there and sometimes the one you choose does, whether it’s the best road or not. It’s hard to argue with success but I would say that leaving the decision to chance does not improve the odds in your favor.

The best answer is the one that is in your best interest. It’s the one that gives you the best chance to be successful and effective under the circumstances. It’s the one that enables you to achieve results with, not at the expense of, the relationship. Knowing how to make that decision quickly and with confidence is the kind of knowledge that is power.

How, when and where you say something can be almost as important as the message itself.  Anne Bruce and James S. Pepitone

Here is how to decide….

Success always comes when preparation meets opportunity. Henry Hartman Click To Tweet

For each situation, ask yourself 3 simple but powerful questions that will change your life:

Is it important? Does this affect my family, health, career or future? Does this run counter to my principles, values or beliefs? If not, is it really that important?

Can I win? Do I sense more potential for a lose/lose than a win/win outcome? Is this a situation where I might win the battle but lose the war? If I achieve my result, will it be at the expense of the relationship or vice versa? Will any victory be so shallow that I’ll simply have to classify it as a loss? Will any of these outcomes be considered a win?

Is it worth it? Is it worth being right at the expense of proving the other wrong? Saying things I might regret later? Creating negative or hurtful feelings with a colleague, a family member or a regular member of the golf group? If not, am I really willing to pay the price?

How to interpret your answers…

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Lady Dorothy Nevill

1. If you answer “NO” to only one question, give yourself permission not to pursue the situation for the time being: to shut up.
2. If you answer “NO” to two of the questions, give yourself permission not only to not pursue the situation, but if you’re seriously considering this, to ask yourself: “What am I, crazy?”
3. If you answer “NO” to all three of the questions, give yourself permission to bite your tongue, practice your deep breathing exercises, count to 10 and smile. If you’re still seriously considering the speak up route, then you’ve already answered the question, “What am I, crazy?
4. If you answer “Yes” to all three questions, then in all probability it is in your best interest to speak up and given the tension in the interactions, to proceed with caution, heeding the following wise advice:

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou

A time and a place…

Half our mistakes in life arise from feeling when we ought to think and thinking when we ought to feel. Deepak Chopra

There is a time and a place for everything – and that includes those times and places when it is in your best interest to speak up and also those times and places when shutting up is the smartest move.

Some would argue that you should be completely genuine or authentic or transparent at all times. You know, the “be real, no matter the cost” folks. I would suggest that if being real means sharing your true thoughts and feelings in a situation knowing this would make the situation significantly worse, not better, it will be difficult for you to be successful and effective in challenging business, family and social interactions. I am not suggesting you be disingenuous or inauthentic; simply that you recognize that may not be the most appropriate approach in certain situations.

After answering the 3 questions above, if you decide not to speak up because it isn’t in your best interest at that time or in that particular place, this does not preclude you from deciding to do so at a later time and in a different place, when the conditions are more favorable. For example, maybe it’s the right time to speak up when neither you nor the other person are experiencing tension and when you’ve had an opportunity to think more not only about your answers to the 3 questions but also about what you would want to say and how you would want to say it.

What’s in it for you…

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. Mark Twain

How you think and feel in challenging business, family and social interactions affects your behavior. It is important to know when and how not to make a bad situation worse and how to make it better. To act differently, you must change your thought process and your emotions.

The answers to the 3 simple but powerful questions will give you both a quick read on the approach that’s in your best interest and the confidence that your decision will give you the best chance for a successful/effective outcome.

When the potential consequences of speaking up if things go wrong are significantly worse than those of shutting up, remember the old English Proverb:

Better safe than sorry. Click To Tweet

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Dr. Don MacRae is the author and passionate leader of Situational Communication^® and the CEO of Lachlan Enterprises Incorporated (The Lachlan Group).

Do you know the primary reason leaders and potential leaders fail today? It’s not because of what they do but rather how they do it – in other words, their communication, negotiation and relating skills. Find out “how to” improve both your success, and your communication and negotiation effectiveness, by taking advantage of the FREE version of the Situational Communication^® website/webinar.